Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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