I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
