You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
