oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
