I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
