She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
