Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
