also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
