No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
