I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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