he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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