PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
