I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
