So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
