I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
