if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
