Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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