There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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