Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She told me I should be a condom model.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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