3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
