I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
