I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
