I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
