I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
