I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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