Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
