um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
