Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
