K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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