Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
