The maid of honor just puked.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
