my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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