but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
