Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
