I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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