Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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