She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Need sex. Gaining weight.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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