i already hear my dad disowning me
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
