If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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