ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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