I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
