Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Randomize
