Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
