your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Such a big mess for such a small penis
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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