tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
