he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
