My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
