is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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