Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
How does one acquire holy water?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
