The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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