rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
